Monday, 17 September 2012

Into the deep!!!!

it was all for him, my life, my sacrifices, everything. i had dreamt big and sacrificed huge.
there is some moments in life where we feel humiliated and sometimes on stupid basis, it never matter. love is a thing like that where we never feel humiliated or abandoned, but it happens only in real love. i thought what i had was real until i found more about him, some truths from him made my mouth drop. but love was a great thing and forgiveness was a great part of it.
when i kept my love and his sins together, his sins weighted more. but my love glowed brighter and brighter. and girls always chose shiny things and the same mistake i did.
it was difficult for love to fade away and at the same time sins were worse unless regretted.
i misunderstood his confession as his regret, but it never was, what he did was not even confession, but a ticket for worse or in other words a indirect permission which i gave unknowingly.
when i forgave and remained silent he took advantage of my silence, when everybody around us thought we had our happy ending, it actually was a sad beginning. in my life, i have always thought that love was great.
he was a part of my soul, i called him 'a eternal soul', later only i realised, i had all my thoughts wrong.
my love cherished my soul, made my life easy and had no tensions about future, i believed i really was safe under his arms, i thought that  the warmth of him would keep me alive.
what he did was not cheating, i know he loved but he didn't knew to show it and i never wanted him to, i was happy with my hopes, thoughts and dreams.
and when i realized that my life was turning upside down, it was so late, all i could do was stare at my unknown future.
he had no affair with another women, which told me clearly that i was the only women in his life, i felt proud for that, but what he did was even worse.
when cops hunted him and took me for interrogation, i cared for him, i wanted to hide him from the world under my wings, if it was ever possible.
i couldn't believe my own ears, when one cop described what he was, what i knew of him was just a bit of him, the other part was always a hidden mystery for me, i never cared to know more about him as he cherished me with his love. i felt humiliated to know about my own soul mate from another person's holy mouth.
instead of protecting him ,i kicked him out of our apartment and when he got caught, for the first time in my life, i had no emotions. silence used to freak me out, but from then on it became my companion, i was scared of darkness and from then on i felt scared to show myself up in the bright light.
i tried dating several another men, to forget him, to forgive myself, but nothing worked out, nobody and nothing seemed right to me.
the darkness and silence drove me crazy, i missed his face every morning, missed his good night kiss and occasional hugs. i tried hard to forget him, but it was never possible though.
all corners of my apartment bought him back, each bit of my body and soul made him alive again in front of me. it was so hard to get rid of memories.
he wrote me many letters, each showing his regret and how much he loved me, love didn't mattered then, it once cherished me and then destroyed me.
i never tried to meet him or contact him, he send me letters regularly and it all contained the same story, so gradually i  stopped reading those.
5 years changed me, i was wild and shattered, loneliness made me courageous, darkness made me forget myself and silence stopped my future.
after 5 long years he showed himself up at my doorstep, straight out from prison, i had no emotions and surprisingly i didn't slammed the door on his face nor did i welcomed him inside.
once inside he hugged me tight, i hugged him back, i had no emotions on my face "let's start a new life" he said "forget the past"
i had nothing in the present and had no hopes for future, all i had was my past, it was my life and he was asking to forget that, my past, my life.
"i love you" i heard him whisper right before i stabbed him with a knife i had and then he fell down, suddenly emotions came back on my face, i didn't wanted to do it, i wanted him to smile at me and kiss me, i stared at his eyes and saw nothing but love, then i knew, it was what i called eternal love and it all came at the wrong time.
and then there i stood in the silent corridor of city hospital, i wondered why silence again started to freak me out, it was love which bought me all the way down there, once again in my life i thought:
"there is something called love and it is great"
i went inside the ICU to see him lying peacefully there. he stared at me and i saw many things in his eyes. love, care, regret, innocence, my greatest surprise he was not scared of me.
"will you marry me?"his weak sound questioned. that same question asked for love and forgiveness, i had already forgave him but i had no more love or strength to face my life with him.
i kissed his forehead and smiled down at him and the next moment, i was out from there, into the corridor, outside his life. that was the end of my first love story.
maybe we will meet again, love again and get along together again, but it all remained as a question along with time, life will answer every questions.
when i walked out of his life, i had dreams, hopes, emotions, tears and all which i missed for the past 5 years. maybe i will fall in love again, i have hope, maybe with another man, which is never possible as long as my heart beats.
that was where love bought us, maybe to part from there or to give another chance for life!!love was great as long as i felt it for him!!it was my first love story and don't know where time is going to make next

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