Thursday, 20 September 2012

It was always HER!!!!

I don’t know how to describe her, she just came and went, if somebody ask, was she beautiful? She was, maybe for others she won’t seem beautiful, but she was breathtakingly beautiful for me.
The relation i had with her was not into words, i still am not sure about that. A lover, a friend or a sister? She could be everything.
When i first met her, walking down against me through the crowded corridor of college, i barely noticed her, she was some girl walking against me, never did i thought she would become special once.
She was a bit taller than me and she was so skinny that almost all small dresses fitted her. The very first thing i noticed was her hair, it provided that beauty to her face and her eyes used to be shinning almost all the time.
She was in a crisp white half gown when i first met her, i didn’t knew why she preferred formals that day, a casual khaki and t-shirt would have done the job.
I know what all of you expects me to say. She bumped into me!! No, that didn’t happen, she just went past me and it was her girl friend, the college beauty queen, i noticed more.
The way we met was sort of funny; my friend gave me a stupid advice to get through her to her girl friend. And i thought it was a nice advice as i was being driven crazy by her girl friend’s charm. And my dear friend made all the arrangements the other day with her to meet me.
I was 10 minutes late and i saw her waiting for me patiently by reading a book, a novel perhaps, the restaurant was crowded and i had to get past of many people to reach her.
She lowered her book to stare at me and she reminded me of my literature professor then. She didn’t greeted back, oh she never did. She always had a smile on her face when she came across her friends and she greeted me with a frown as she didn’t knew why i was there to meet her. If she was known, she would never come.
I was not dared to ask ‘what would you like to have?’ so instead i made a decision on orange juice as that was what girls preferred whilst boys preferred it over a vodka. She again frowned at the decision i made, maybe she didn’t liked orange juice, or maybe that i made the decision on my own.
I didn’t knew how to start our talk, she stared curiously at me and i too stared occasionally whilst i nibbled on my straw.
‘So...are you goanna talk or what?’ she asked at last, the silence before was freaking both of us out
‘You don’t know what to say?’ that was a statement rather than of a question from her.
‘So better for me to act!!!’ she did all the talking all the time, she moved in her chair and settled her hair under her ears, all ready to initiate the so called conversation.
‘You are Aman from English department, right?’
‘Yeah’ my voice was stunningly low as i used to talk loudly always.
‘Ok, tell me more about you’ she stared right into my eyes, not every girls dared to do that, even i had a problem with eye contact, wow!! She should be a wonderful speaker, she was bold and smart.
‘I live across the church near Arthur road’
‘Oh, your family?’ she was the interviewer here and i really wanted to get past her interrogation, so i had no other choice than answering all her questions.
‘Me, dad and mom, that is all, i am an only son’ i said
‘That is showing’ she said without any hesitation.
‘What you mean?’ i asked even after knowing well what she meant, i just didn’t wanted her to be the only one who ask question, she was a girl after all, Indian girls are meant to have some limits, it’s really a question of pride for proud Indian men like me.
‘Your outfit, of course, sunglass and all that’ she said, this time her eyes fixed past me.
‘I guess you can’t see the sun high in sky and you really don’t know what a sun glass means’ i was not at all ready to let her go, i was always so proud of me and i never sat simply before girls like her, she was so modern and all that and she had a problem with me wearing sun glass whilst she herself was in a casual shorts and t-shirt.
‘And what is it with your outfit, Ms. Perfect?’  Oh god, i was crossing the line, i was meant to convince her, not to fight with her, but i couldn’t help fighting with her.
‘I too is an only daughter and don’t you know that it’s obvious for me to be hashing while my parents are in states and when i have a always loaded debit card with me here in the city of dreams’
‘Wow, you are rich’ was what i said, I wondered whether she would care to pay the bill, then I could spare it for a beer.
‘I guess you have the same intention as others who took me out for a coffee, or an orange juice, maybe?’ her tone was sarcastic at that orange juice, actually what was the problem with it, don’t mind!!
‘You meant Priyanka?’ I asked mentioning to my girl friend- to be.
‘So I was right’ she made a face, unexplainable of course.
As far as I knew about her then was not really true, she was not that horrible, she had this stupid and irritating way of talking and that was all, apart from that she was fine, actually that was not what a horrible person meant to me.
We talked for a long time and by that time we finished up two another drinks, and this time her choice. I was not a guy who makes the same mistakes with the same girl. First it was all about Priyanka and then it went too far about herself, about her parents, how she ended up in India and all that stuff.
Her parents were once Indians and she was American, she had her primary and high school education at LA, she always had this passion to live in India and be an Indian. Even as an Indian, i never had such thoughts. Her grandparents inspired her to come here. She convinced her parents to have her college here and that took her a great deal of hard work, they had never ending demands, like she should have her own house, her own car and all that, she felt horrible about that, I wonder why, she was lucky for that, her parents are demanding her to stay rich and comfortable, they are not like my parents.
My dad want me to go in public transport because it contribute a great deal to the Indian economy, he was this Indian economist never known, don’t mention about him to the prime minister, please. I should live in a hostel, because I should be familiar with all types of people and i should learn to adjust in life, and my mom wants my pocket money to be rationalised, so that I would learn to survive in great economic depression. You must be wondering, why they talk in economic terms, they met each other at B school. And the only good thing my parents demanding is to have a girl friend, they are depressed about my love life, they think there is something really wrong with me, they are not knowing that I am struggling here, walking behind girls without a penny in my wallet. They are thinking about that great love they had, they are not aware about the new era love, if they were known, they should have allowed me more pocket money, they don’t know how expensive a coffee can get, I usually take my girl friends to beach, the ice cream there is always cheap as BR never cared to start a outlet there.
‘If you were really that passionate about India, Why live in Mumbai, it’s more like America, I meant, both are cities’ I told her once when we were sitting at a table at CCD, of course she was paying, she knew me well by then.
‘Parents yaar, parents’ she said and returned to her Americano, coffees have this strange names and girls love them as it become more expensive, actually the coffee I could get at street for cheap rate was more tasty than this so called Americano. Girls want to be civilized and I never dared to mention cheap coffees.
‘You could live with your grandparents, right?’ I asked, out of curiosity, and my doubts were never ending, I sometimes wonder was I going to be another Einstein. But I had no doubts in philosophy class; actually I don’t care about a word told by professor until I face my poor answer paper, so obviously doubts there were out of question.
‘No proper college there, education too is important; she said, depression shadowing her face,
‘That is right though, so you planning to stay here after college?’
‘It depends and you know I don’t think my parents will accept that, whatever happens, I am still an American, am born American’
‘You are born Indian’
‘In words and dreams, Aman, I have to leave this country behind after all’
‘Come on, yaar, be happy’ I wanted to cheer her up, because by then I didn’t knew why, her moods started to influence my life a great deal, For the first time in my life, I cared for someone, I was always into me and even me was surprised on my miraculous change.
I wanted to be myself everywhere, but I appeared as an entirely different person before her and it took me a great deal of time to realise that it was what I really am. Literally, she changed me, in a very convincing way, I no longer fight with my mom, I no longer spends my weekends on a bunch of beers and cigars. And surprisingly I too was happy with the new me, I never felt alone and I never was.
My mom was so happy that I found somebody, but it was not love that I felt for her, It was something more, a feeling which seems great than any other feelings in the world to me, it was beyond love and care, she was so special and irresistible. If somebody ask, was it friendship?, yeah it was, but still what we shared was yet another kind of love, indefinable maybe, maybe I am the only person who had such a feelings in this entire world. I convinced my mom that I am not in love with that girl and I told her she was just a friend, she surely was a lot more than that, but I didn’t cared explaining it to my mom, she was not goanna buy that yet another kind of love and all that crap, even I can’t buy that sometimes.
And if you ask her about me, she would say, he was my stupidest friend ever; that is a huge compliment really, don’t ask in what way. I really was stupid with her, she was so damn emotional all the time and I was a fun-loving person, not that she was against fun, she wanted to have fun, but never knew why, something always stopped her from being herself.
I never dared to ask her about that, everybody have their private things and I was scared that I would have to give my friendship up for that answer, so I decide not to grieve much on that, we were happy the way we lived and that was more than enough for both of us then,
Actually we both were a lot into each other’s life and we never did agree on that. I knew almost all about her and still I complain, ‘i barely know you’...
We fight a lot on that particular thing, after all fights are a huge part of every relation. For good or for worse.
I took her to home to Lucknow, to meet my parents and to my surprise my mom and dad adored her, even my elder sister, who never was pleased with any of my choices adored her. There was really something about that girl, a magic which made me hold on to her. She was yet another person in front of my parents, I wonder from where she learned this manners, I barely believe that she got education at states.
She knew how to be with peoples, she behaved appropriately. Even I don’t greet my mom and hug her. Her teasing voice was gone; her high pitch laugh was gone and was replaced with a cute yet beautiful smile in front of my mom. That was when I knew, I barely know her and that I had a lot more to see out of that girl.
‘You were so damn good there’ I told her when we were the way back Mumbai.
‘Thanks’ was what she said at all.
I stared at her when the train started off towards Mumbai, she had her eyes fixed past me, and I was like loving every second of our togetherness. She had that charm with in her which made me stuck with her.
On the other side of my life, I was getting along well with Priyanka, but there was nothing special as I thought there would be. I always kept Priyanka a side, because I slowly started realising that love doesn’t happen that way, but I was always so thankful to Priyanka, for she was the reason I met someone special in my life.
I slowly started falling for her; I wanted to make our relation more intimate, which was a stupid thought. I wanted to tell her that she was special, but I didn’t knew how she would take that, so I thought better keep quiet.
It was a huge shock for me when she called me the next day of graduation. It was a pleasant morning with warm sun and I was sleeping like hell when my phone beeped.
‘Yeah’ I answered the phone in a half sleep
‘Hey Aman’ it was her sweet voice which bought me out of sleep.
‘What is it in this early morning yaar?, I got to sleep tight today, you know I just got out of those dumps’ I teased her early morning
‘I called to say that I am at airport to catch the morning flight to LA’ her statement made me jump from the bed. Even my bags were not packed and she was already at the airport? And she didn’t care to mention that to me the last night when we were at the graduation party with Priyanka and all.
‘What?’ I spitted out.
‘I am sorry Aman’ she sounded sincere, It was like she was really sorry for not telling me, she cared after all?
‘Don’t come running in your boxers, I am already at the gate’ she chuckled, what was so damn funny? I wondered where her great love for India went, she wanted to run away as soon as she got her degrees, she didn’t came to India with those high grades with her because she couldn’t get herself into a nice university there. But I was not in a mood of telling all that.
For the first time in my life, real tears welled up in my eyes, it was like a part of me going away from me so soon, and it was like death of my internal organs. I suddenly wanted her in my arms, i didn’t wanted to let her go, and I belonged with her for god’s sake.
‘Why you didn’t tell me? You considered it too modest?’ my voice was scratching, I was about to burst up, I felt sorry for losing somebody for the first time in my entire life. I had an incomplete future in front of me then and a never ending happy past. Don’t even ask about the present.
‘Take care of yourself, will you, Aman?’ she asked, so concerned for me huh?
‘Go get a job and keep your parents happy and look after my Priyanka well, ok?’ why was she acting so weird, she had no worries about me when she was gone?, she ever thought what I would be like when she is gone like forever?.
‘What about me Esha?’ I asked her
‘Take care, Aman, I will try calling you, bye’ she said and then the line went dead, I didn’t even got time to understand what just happened with me, I lost something huge in just a bare minute?. I stared at my phone, not believing what really happened, I prayed to god for that to be a bad dream, but that was not, it was so real.
She didn’t tried calling me and I didn’t even knew whether she made it into LA until I received a mail from her after 6 months that she was coming back to India. I send her a lot of mails and there were no replies and then I knew that special girl of me was out of my life.
I couldn’t bear the change happened in my life and I went back to alcohols and cigars. I was so damned and I stayed at Mumbai and didn’t care to go home, nor did my mom dared to call me as she knew what happened with me from Priyanka. After all Priyanka never left me, she believed in me and knew what I felt for Esha, she was never jealous about us. This told me I made another right choice in my life.
This is all about a girl in my life, she came and went fast and that made all the difference in my life, i never knew what she was or what relation I had with her, but just knew that she was special and maybe the angel who came uninvited into my life. At first I thought I couldn’t survive without her and then I came back normal but I am a different person now and I love the changes she bought in my life.
I was fine with my life,
 I had others in my life; my friends, my Priyanka, my mom, dad and sister. She was just a chapter of my life, but that single chapter made all the differences. I was so broken that I went back to bad things again, but the realisation stuck me so soon and I came back, life always does that to us, time heals every wound.
What I had was no dream, it was reality but when she left I had to believe that it too was a reality and learning to cope up with the reality was one of the many things she taught me. I started caring for people, I had value for relations then on, I believed in love, I started respecting the economist never known, and I literally started living like a real Indian man. She helped me to explore me, in another words, she opened me in front of me and then I started seeing life through yet another eyes.
The earth was so beautiful, having fun was a great part of life, but still tears provided its own beauty to life, she taught me many things and there is always somebody in our life that help us to explore ourselves, some angels never known!! That angel came by the name of Esha in my life; just look around, you may find them before they leave you like forever.
After that mail, I had no other information about her, I don’t know what she is doing?, where she is?, whether she is alive?, nothing.! Even in this century I cannot keep contact of her which means she was a real angel? But I believe that I will meet her again..!!
This is not a love story, but something more, a realisation that we have somebody special in our life. Someone who changes the whole us. And everybody will not be always with us, even a very special person can go away from our life and it doesn’t change the view of us about them and they will remain a sweet memory.

And after all we can never forget them because they will reflect in our every part of life, we will live through them. Each and every move of our life will bring that very special person back alive!! And it was her who made me happy to look back at my past and be curious to look at my future. I owe my Esha a great deal!! 

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