Tuesday, 2 October 2012

It will be a big lie, if i say that i am inspired from nothing, of course i am inspired, not exactly from the lives around me, particularly relations. Yes that is it; i am inspired from relations, around me, around the globe.
It’s strange how relations happen, everything changed, then why not relations?. I have always asked, is it possible for me to have a brother?. I have a very convincing family, but it never meant that i don’t miss a brother’s love.
I should be so lucky to have sisters, right? All six of them?. I have watched them all my life and all of them are different from each other yet the same. I have always found something special from each of them. They meant a lot to me in my life, I don’t really care to explain what is special in them.
We always need a push in our life and i have always failed to realise what i had inside me, and then is when we need our loved ones the most. And i had them all along, not everybody gets that in their life. I am lucky enough to have a big family and caring friends.
Talking about relations, I don’t know where i should start, i have seen people in life, but only a part of them, I don’t think that 15 years is enough to see this entire world. I have seen good peoples and my parents never let me in sight of the bad ones for which I am always great full to them. I have watched different relations and felt most of them.
I am a friend, a sister and a daughter, and I am really satisfied with the peoples i share my life with. I have seen my sibling’s families, we all were a single family, but still all my sisters had their own family. They fight, they love, they cry and at last no matter what happen, they hold their hands and lean against their soul mates which is always a great thing for me to watch.
Like i have said before, i believe fights are a part of love, so when i see some people fight, i watch them till the end, because i always knew that there was lot of love coming at the end. Just think of a life without fights, horrible? Right?. Everyone should not think the same way as me, but this is what i feel.
Talking about sister and brother, i have this nephew and niece, i used to feel jealous when i see he care for her, that is really stupid of me as they are just children. But still it’s nice to watch and that always bought that missing of brother feeling. What if i too had a brother like that?. We cannot make relations, right? It happens in its way which is always strange and sweet.
Will you think about me as stupid if i say, i haven’t even met the person who i consider as my brother?. But i simply trust in our relation, could anybody accept a relation like that?, maybe i am the only person who can accept that. Maybe he never thought about me as a sister, but he was always a brother to me, strange!!
I cannot ask for more love as long as i have my parent’s love, it’s a natural phenomena, right? Parents love?. But that is much and much beyond that to me, I simply cannot ask for more love from anyone when i consider their love. I have made them sad, but i always try my best as a daughter and i know i could be a better daughter than what i am now.
Better not to talk about friends, i have a lot of them and almost all of them are dear enough to keep close. My best friend is kinda strange; even i doubt his friendship sometimes. But deep inside i know, he is the best i could ever get. I was always so committed to friendship and that has always bought me good, it made me a better person.
I have these strange relations in my life, a brother, a best friend, never know where it will take me, but i never felt bad about my relations, it all happens for good, my greater good. I am ready to face my life with all this people i have, i believe, i would never be alone, i will always have a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.
‘Tears rarely wells up in my eyes’, if one day i can say that out loud, i won in my life, i won in all these relations, i have all i ever asked for in my life. And all these people wants me to be happy forever with them. What all i ask for now is ‘ i want to have a life, only if it is with them’.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

It was always HER!!!!

I don’t know how to describe her, she just came and went, if somebody ask, was she beautiful? She was, maybe for others she won’t seem beautiful, but she was breathtakingly beautiful for me.
The relation i had with her was not into words, i still am not sure about that. A lover, a friend or a sister? She could be everything.
When i first met her, walking down against me through the crowded corridor of college, i barely noticed her, she was some girl walking against me, never did i thought she would become special once.
She was a bit taller than me and she was so skinny that almost all small dresses fitted her. The very first thing i noticed was her hair, it provided that beauty to her face and her eyes used to be shinning almost all the time.
She was in a crisp white half gown when i first met her, i didn’t knew why she preferred formals that day, a casual khaki and t-shirt would have done the job.
I know what all of you expects me to say. She bumped into me!! No, that didn’t happen, she just went past me and it was her girl friend, the college beauty queen, i noticed more.
The way we met was sort of funny; my friend gave me a stupid advice to get through her to her girl friend. And i thought it was a nice advice as i was being driven crazy by her girl friend’s charm. And my dear friend made all the arrangements the other day with her to meet me.
I was 10 minutes late and i saw her waiting for me patiently by reading a book, a novel perhaps, the restaurant was crowded and i had to get past of many people to reach her.
She lowered her book to stare at me and she reminded me of my literature professor then. She didn’t greeted back, oh she never did. She always had a smile on her face when she came across her friends and she greeted me with a frown as she didn’t knew why i was there to meet her. If she was known, she would never come.
I was not dared to ask ‘what would you like to have?’ so instead i made a decision on orange juice as that was what girls preferred whilst boys preferred it over a vodka. She again frowned at the decision i made, maybe she didn’t liked orange juice, or maybe that i made the decision on my own.
I didn’t knew how to start our talk, she stared curiously at me and i too stared occasionally whilst i nibbled on my straw.
‘So...are you goanna talk or what?’ she asked at last, the silence before was freaking both of us out
‘You don’t know what to say?’ that was a statement rather than of a question from her.
‘So better for me to act!!!’ she did all the talking all the time, she moved in her chair and settled her hair under her ears, all ready to initiate the so called conversation.
‘You are Aman from English department, right?’
‘Yeah’ my voice was stunningly low as i used to talk loudly always.
‘Ok, tell me more about you’ she stared right into my eyes, not every girls dared to do that, even i had a problem with eye contact, wow!! She should be a wonderful speaker, she was bold and smart.
‘I live across the church near Arthur road’
‘Oh, your family?’ she was the interviewer here and i really wanted to get past her interrogation, so i had no other choice than answering all her questions.
‘Me, dad and mom, that is all, i am an only son’ i said
‘That is showing’ she said without any hesitation.
‘What you mean?’ i asked even after knowing well what she meant, i just didn’t wanted her to be the only one who ask question, she was a girl after all, Indian girls are meant to have some limits, it’s really a question of pride for proud Indian men like me.
‘Your outfit, of course, sunglass and all that’ she said, this time her eyes fixed past me.
‘I guess you can’t see the sun high in sky and you really don’t know what a sun glass means’ i was not at all ready to let her go, i was always so proud of me and i never sat simply before girls like her, she was so modern and all that and she had a problem with me wearing sun glass whilst she herself was in a casual shorts and t-shirt.
‘And what is it with your outfit, Ms. Perfect?’  Oh god, i was crossing the line, i was meant to convince her, not to fight with her, but i couldn’t help fighting with her.
‘I too is an only daughter and don’t you know that it’s obvious for me to be hashing while my parents are in states and when i have a always loaded debit card with me here in the city of dreams’
‘Wow, you are rich’ was what i said, I wondered whether she would care to pay the bill, then I could spare it for a beer.
‘I guess you have the same intention as others who took me out for a coffee, or an orange juice, maybe?’ her tone was sarcastic at that orange juice, actually what was the problem with it, don’t mind!!
‘You meant Priyanka?’ I asked mentioning to my girl friend- to be.
‘So I was right’ she made a face, unexplainable of course.
As far as I knew about her then was not really true, she was not that horrible, she had this stupid and irritating way of talking and that was all, apart from that she was fine, actually that was not what a horrible person meant to me.
We talked for a long time and by that time we finished up two another drinks, and this time her choice. I was not a guy who makes the same mistakes with the same girl. First it was all about Priyanka and then it went too far about herself, about her parents, how she ended up in India and all that stuff.
Her parents were once Indians and she was American, she had her primary and high school education at LA, she always had this passion to live in India and be an Indian. Even as an Indian, i never had such thoughts. Her grandparents inspired her to come here. She convinced her parents to have her college here and that took her a great deal of hard work, they had never ending demands, like she should have her own house, her own car and all that, she felt horrible about that, I wonder why, she was lucky for that, her parents are demanding her to stay rich and comfortable, they are not like my parents.
My dad want me to go in public transport because it contribute a great deal to the Indian economy, he was this Indian economist never known, don’t mention about him to the prime minister, please. I should live in a hostel, because I should be familiar with all types of people and i should learn to adjust in life, and my mom wants my pocket money to be rationalised, so that I would learn to survive in great economic depression. You must be wondering, why they talk in economic terms, they met each other at B school. And the only good thing my parents demanding is to have a girl friend, they are depressed about my love life, they think there is something really wrong with me, they are not knowing that I am struggling here, walking behind girls without a penny in my wallet. They are thinking about that great love they had, they are not aware about the new era love, if they were known, they should have allowed me more pocket money, they don’t know how expensive a coffee can get, I usually take my girl friends to beach, the ice cream there is always cheap as BR never cared to start a outlet there.
‘If you were really that passionate about India, Why live in Mumbai, it’s more like America, I meant, both are cities’ I told her once when we were sitting at a table at CCD, of course she was paying, she knew me well by then.
‘Parents yaar, parents’ she said and returned to her Americano, coffees have this strange names and girls love them as it become more expensive, actually the coffee I could get at street for cheap rate was more tasty than this so called Americano. Girls want to be civilized and I never dared to mention cheap coffees.
‘You could live with your grandparents, right?’ I asked, out of curiosity, and my doubts were never ending, I sometimes wonder was I going to be another Einstein. But I had no doubts in philosophy class; actually I don’t care about a word told by professor until I face my poor answer paper, so obviously doubts there were out of question.
‘No proper college there, education too is important; she said, depression shadowing her face,
‘That is right though, so you planning to stay here after college?’
‘It depends and you know I don’t think my parents will accept that, whatever happens, I am still an American, am born American’
‘You are born Indian’
‘In words and dreams, Aman, I have to leave this country behind after all’
‘Come on, yaar, be happy’ I wanted to cheer her up, because by then I didn’t knew why, her moods started to influence my life a great deal, For the first time in my life, I cared for someone, I was always into me and even me was surprised on my miraculous change.
I wanted to be myself everywhere, but I appeared as an entirely different person before her and it took me a great deal of time to realise that it was what I really am. Literally, she changed me, in a very convincing way, I no longer fight with my mom, I no longer spends my weekends on a bunch of beers and cigars. And surprisingly I too was happy with the new me, I never felt alone and I never was.
My mom was so happy that I found somebody, but it was not love that I felt for her, It was something more, a feeling which seems great than any other feelings in the world to me, it was beyond love and care, she was so special and irresistible. If somebody ask, was it friendship?, yeah it was, but still what we shared was yet another kind of love, indefinable maybe, maybe I am the only person who had such a feelings in this entire world. I convinced my mom that I am not in love with that girl and I told her she was just a friend, she surely was a lot more than that, but I didn’t cared explaining it to my mom, she was not goanna buy that yet another kind of love and all that crap, even I can’t buy that sometimes.
And if you ask her about me, she would say, he was my stupidest friend ever; that is a huge compliment really, don’t ask in what way. I really was stupid with her, she was so damn emotional all the time and I was a fun-loving person, not that she was against fun, she wanted to have fun, but never knew why, something always stopped her from being herself.
I never dared to ask her about that, everybody have their private things and I was scared that I would have to give my friendship up for that answer, so I decide not to grieve much on that, we were happy the way we lived and that was more than enough for both of us then,
Actually we both were a lot into each other’s life and we never did agree on that. I knew almost all about her and still I complain, ‘i barely know you’...
We fight a lot on that particular thing, after all fights are a huge part of every relation. For good or for worse.
I took her to home to Lucknow, to meet my parents and to my surprise my mom and dad adored her, even my elder sister, who never was pleased with any of my choices adored her. There was really something about that girl, a magic which made me hold on to her. She was yet another person in front of my parents, I wonder from where she learned this manners, I barely believe that she got education at states.
She knew how to be with peoples, she behaved appropriately. Even I don’t greet my mom and hug her. Her teasing voice was gone; her high pitch laugh was gone and was replaced with a cute yet beautiful smile in front of my mom. That was when I knew, I barely know her and that I had a lot more to see out of that girl.
‘You were so damn good there’ I told her when we were the way back Mumbai.
‘Thanks’ was what she said at all.
I stared at her when the train started off towards Mumbai, she had her eyes fixed past me, and I was like loving every second of our togetherness. She had that charm with in her which made me stuck with her.
On the other side of my life, I was getting along well with Priyanka, but there was nothing special as I thought there would be. I always kept Priyanka a side, because I slowly started realising that love doesn’t happen that way, but I was always so thankful to Priyanka, for she was the reason I met someone special in my life.
I slowly started falling for her; I wanted to make our relation more intimate, which was a stupid thought. I wanted to tell her that she was special, but I didn’t knew how she would take that, so I thought better keep quiet.
It was a huge shock for me when she called me the next day of graduation. It was a pleasant morning with warm sun and I was sleeping like hell when my phone beeped.
‘Yeah’ I answered the phone in a half sleep
‘Hey Aman’ it was her sweet voice which bought me out of sleep.
‘What is it in this early morning yaar?, I got to sleep tight today, you know I just got out of those dumps’ I teased her early morning
‘I called to say that I am at airport to catch the morning flight to LA’ her statement made me jump from the bed. Even my bags were not packed and she was already at the airport? And she didn’t care to mention that to me the last night when we were at the graduation party with Priyanka and all.
‘What?’ I spitted out.
‘I am sorry Aman’ she sounded sincere, It was like she was really sorry for not telling me, she cared after all?
‘Don’t come running in your boxers, I am already at the gate’ she chuckled, what was so damn funny? I wondered where her great love for India went, she wanted to run away as soon as she got her degrees, she didn’t came to India with those high grades with her because she couldn’t get herself into a nice university there. But I was not in a mood of telling all that.
For the first time in my life, real tears welled up in my eyes, it was like a part of me going away from me so soon, and it was like death of my internal organs. I suddenly wanted her in my arms, i didn’t wanted to let her go, and I belonged with her for god’s sake.
‘Why you didn’t tell me? You considered it too modest?’ my voice was scratching, I was about to burst up, I felt sorry for losing somebody for the first time in my entire life. I had an incomplete future in front of me then and a never ending happy past. Don’t even ask about the present.
‘Take care of yourself, will you, Aman?’ she asked, so concerned for me huh?
‘Go get a job and keep your parents happy and look after my Priyanka well, ok?’ why was she acting so weird, she had no worries about me when she was gone?, she ever thought what I would be like when she is gone like forever?.
‘What about me Esha?’ I asked her
‘Take care, Aman, I will try calling you, bye’ she said and then the line went dead, I didn’t even got time to understand what just happened with me, I lost something huge in just a bare minute?. I stared at my phone, not believing what really happened, I prayed to god for that to be a bad dream, but that was not, it was so real.
She didn’t tried calling me and I didn’t even knew whether she made it into LA until I received a mail from her after 6 months that she was coming back to India. I send her a lot of mails and there were no replies and then I knew that special girl of me was out of my life.
I couldn’t bear the change happened in my life and I went back to alcohols and cigars. I was so damned and I stayed at Mumbai and didn’t care to go home, nor did my mom dared to call me as she knew what happened with me from Priyanka. After all Priyanka never left me, she believed in me and knew what I felt for Esha, she was never jealous about us. This told me I made another right choice in my life.
This is all about a girl in my life, she came and went fast and that made all the difference in my life, i never knew what she was or what relation I had with her, but just knew that she was special and maybe the angel who came uninvited into my life. At first I thought I couldn’t survive without her and then I came back normal but I am a different person now and I love the changes she bought in my life.
I was fine with my life,
 I had others in my life; my friends, my Priyanka, my mom, dad and sister. She was just a chapter of my life, but that single chapter made all the differences. I was so broken that I went back to bad things again, but the realisation stuck me so soon and I came back, life always does that to us, time heals every wound.
What I had was no dream, it was reality but when she left I had to believe that it too was a reality and learning to cope up with the reality was one of the many things she taught me. I started caring for people, I had value for relations then on, I believed in love, I started respecting the economist never known, and I literally started living like a real Indian man. She helped me to explore me, in another words, she opened me in front of me and then I started seeing life through yet another eyes.
The earth was so beautiful, having fun was a great part of life, but still tears provided its own beauty to life, she taught me many things and there is always somebody in our life that help us to explore ourselves, some angels never known!! That angel came by the name of Esha in my life; just look around, you may find them before they leave you like forever.
After that mail, I had no other information about her, I don’t know what she is doing?, where she is?, whether she is alive?, nothing.! Even in this century I cannot keep contact of her which means she was a real angel? But I believe that I will meet her again..!!
This is not a love story, but something more, a realisation that we have somebody special in our life. Someone who changes the whole us. And everybody will not be always with us, even a very special person can go away from our life and it doesn’t change the view of us about them and they will remain a sweet memory.

And after all we can never forget them because they will reflect in our every part of life, we will live through them. Each and every move of our life will bring that very special person back alive!! And it was her who made me happy to look back at my past and be curious to look at my future. I owe my Esha a great deal!! 

Monday, 17 September 2012

Into the deep!!!!

it was all for him, my life, my sacrifices, everything. i had dreamt big and sacrificed huge.
there is some moments in life where we feel humiliated and sometimes on stupid basis, it never matter. love is a thing like that where we never feel humiliated or abandoned, but it happens only in real love. i thought what i had was real until i found more about him, some truths from him made my mouth drop. but love was a great thing and forgiveness was a great part of it.
when i kept my love and his sins together, his sins weighted more. but my love glowed brighter and brighter. and girls always chose shiny things and the same mistake i did.
it was difficult for love to fade away and at the same time sins were worse unless regretted.
i misunderstood his confession as his regret, but it never was, what he did was not even confession, but a ticket for worse or in other words a indirect permission which i gave unknowingly.
when i forgave and remained silent he took advantage of my silence, when everybody around us thought we had our happy ending, it actually was a sad beginning. in my life, i have always thought that love was great.
he was a part of my soul, i called him 'a eternal soul', later only i realised, i had all my thoughts wrong.
my love cherished my soul, made my life easy and had no tensions about future, i believed i really was safe under his arms, i thought that  the warmth of him would keep me alive.
what he did was not cheating, i know he loved but he didn't knew to show it and i never wanted him to, i was happy with my hopes, thoughts and dreams.
and when i realized that my life was turning upside down, it was so late, all i could do was stare at my unknown future.
he had no affair with another women, which told me clearly that i was the only women in his life, i felt proud for that, but what he did was even worse.
when cops hunted him and took me for interrogation, i cared for him, i wanted to hide him from the world under my wings, if it was ever possible.
i couldn't believe my own ears, when one cop described what he was, what i knew of him was just a bit of him, the other part was always a hidden mystery for me, i never cared to know more about him as he cherished me with his love. i felt humiliated to know about my own soul mate from another person's holy mouth.
instead of protecting him ,i kicked him out of our apartment and when he got caught, for the first time in my life, i had no emotions. silence used to freak me out, but from then on it became my companion, i was scared of darkness and from then on i felt scared to show myself up in the bright light.
i tried dating several another men, to forget him, to forgive myself, but nothing worked out, nobody and nothing seemed right to me.
the darkness and silence drove me crazy, i missed his face every morning, missed his good night kiss and occasional hugs. i tried hard to forget him, but it was never possible though.
all corners of my apartment bought him back, each bit of my body and soul made him alive again in front of me. it was so hard to get rid of memories.
he wrote me many letters, each showing his regret and how much he loved me, love didn't mattered then, it once cherished me and then destroyed me.
i never tried to meet him or contact him, he send me letters regularly and it all contained the same story, so gradually i  stopped reading those.
5 years changed me, i was wild and shattered, loneliness made me courageous, darkness made me forget myself and silence stopped my future.
after 5 long years he showed himself up at my doorstep, straight out from prison, i had no emotions and surprisingly i didn't slammed the door on his face nor did i welcomed him inside.
once inside he hugged me tight, i hugged him back, i had no emotions on my face "let's start a new life" he said "forget the past"
i had nothing in the present and had no hopes for future, all i had was my past, it was my life and he was asking to forget that, my past, my life.
"i love you" i heard him whisper right before i stabbed him with a knife i had and then he fell down, suddenly emotions came back on my face, i didn't wanted to do it, i wanted him to smile at me and kiss me, i stared at his eyes and saw nothing but love, then i knew, it was what i called eternal love and it all came at the wrong time.
and then there i stood in the silent corridor of city hospital, i wondered why silence again started to freak me out, it was love which bought me all the way down there, once again in my life i thought:
"there is something called love and it is great"
i went inside the ICU to see him lying peacefully there. he stared at me and i saw many things in his eyes. love, care, regret, innocence, hope...to my greatest surprise he was not scared of me.
"will you marry me?"his weak sound questioned. that same question asked for love and forgiveness, i had already forgave him but i had no more love or strength to face my life with him.
i kissed his forehead and smiled down at him and the next moment, i was out from there, into the corridor, outside his life. that was the end of my first love story.
maybe we will meet again, love again and get along together again, but it all remained as a question along with time, life will answer every questions.
when i walked out of his life, i had dreams, hopes, emotions, tears and all which i missed for the past 5 years. maybe i will fall in love again, i have hope, maybe with another man, which is never possible as long as my heart beats.
that was where love bought us, maybe to part from there or to give another chance for life!!love was great as long as i felt it for him!!it was my first love story and don't know where time is going to make next

Back there again!!!!

"This place never changed" i wondered by resting my head against the leather seat of my blue convertible BMW. i was going back there again, never in my wildest dreams i thought i would be back there and there i sat all oblivious.
that road was the same, the trees were the same, even the smell felt familiar, the only difference was i stared at the sun shining down at me through the shades of my sunglass and i had a elegant red gown on me instead of my well ironed uniform. instead of feeling that sizzling road under my foot i was in a car and i didn't had my friend holding my hands.
i always felt hard to think about my school days, not because those days were worse but because the memories always bought tears in my eyes.
"zara" ishan's call bought me back to present, until then i was almost oblivious that i had my husband near me. i saw his face and then i knew he too was having the same thoughts i was having.
the tree witnessed our first meeting, the garden bench heard his confession of love to me, the back veranda where we shared our first kiss, it all came back in just a mere second.
this place has witnessed our every falls and heights and had always stood by our side. i and ish had a lot of problems there, the common indian disputes, zara malik should not fall for ishaan aroa,i wonder how can anybody fall in love by investigating the other sex's background, it just happens that way and no body and nothing can stop that feeling from having and then everything in our life leads in its way. we do many things, some greatest mistakes of our life and some great moves we ever took.
our love was not blind like sheksphere said, but it was true. even our teachers made a face infront of us. but our friends held us close because they knew what we really were and how irresistible we felt in our relation. i still remember my friend hugging me tight when tears flowed through my cheek.
i never was a bright student, but i was what i am, i had my own capabilities and limits, i wanted to write and i adored it, no one saw that out of me, my friends and ish are a exception though. ish always held me close and said" zara, you will fly high" it comforted me and help me up in my every falls.
my teacher's words still sound high in my mind" miss malik, you won't reach anywhere in your life" i don't know what she would be thinking now.
when bollywood called me princess and teenagers all over india lived in my novels and when i became a great part of international business, i don't know what my teacher think about me, maybe she was right, i reached nowhere in my life, i lost my family before years, though i have ish ,i still miss my family. i knew that they would never be proud of what i am now, this was not what they wanted from their daughter, ish was not a son-in-law they wanted, no matter how high we reached, if our loved ones are not proud of us, it means, we are a great loser in life.
ish held me under his protective arms when my dad threw me out of his house, i had nothing left, but a life with my love, i had no choice left. i had always lived for my parents and then all of a sudden i was out from that family, for my own mistakes, which never appeared to me as mistakes as long as ish loved me. i still am grateful to ish and his mom for welcoming me with open arms, she is long gone now, she was one of the greatest women i ever met in my life, she raised ish on her own and always supported him because she always believed that her son could never go wrong, she was a ideal mother which i will worship my all life, not just for what she did for me but for the changes she bought in my and ish's life.
ish's leg slammed on the break, it made me shake and then the tear i held back poked my cheek. ish patted my back and kissed my forehead, i don't know how lucky i should be to have him as my soul mate. when i think, i lost my family for him, i never regret because he never gave me a chance to. every holes of my life was filled with his love, he never allowed me to grieve on my past, he always said" look forward zara, that is where you belong"
ish never talked about my family, he knew it made me sad, we were a family, we had each other. he was so caring which sometimes meant to me that he regret for sins he never committed.
i knew that he believe that. he was the reason for all my loses, as he was a pessimist, he never did thought that he was the reason for what i am now and for the glamorous life i am living now.
school was celebrating the launch of their 25th magazine and they wanted me-a bestselling author and their former student, to do the honor. i didn't wanted to do that, i never wanted to come back there.
when my car entered through the gate i heard the cheers and applause which in the next moment told me that no one saw the real zara there, in past nobody cheered at my entrance, nobody even cared, i wanted the same to happen, if i was ever coming back, i wanted to come back to that and it was never possible considering where i stood in the society.
the very moment i got out of the car i heard my debut film's song playing in the background and it was loud enough to take those cheers away.
and then i was walking towards the stage, i was nervous, sad ,amazed all at a time, i didn't even felt this way when i had my first red carpet, it was something more than red carpet or anything else i have ever had.
i felt like fainting, ish had his hands slipped around my waist and he held me tight because like always he was aware of the stress i was on. i had people in black leading me, ish called them my gaurds, i didn't wanted them there, i tried hard to avoid them, but sometimes ish seems horribly stubborn, i didn't wanted somebody protecting me for money when i had the protection rooted from love right beside me.
when i stood facing the audience, i saw no faces there but the empty ground, i saw me and ish kissing under a tree, i saw me and my friend bunking classes and escaping away through the small gate which always used to be open.
before long years i waved goodbye to these grounds and memories and a coming back was not expected. it was difficult yet pleasant. maybe i will never have this chance again, i vowed that i will enjoy my best.
ish elbowed me as i was somewhere else when they called my name. i stood up and walked toward the mike. i showed 'the magazine' to the crowd, a jolt went inside me when i held that ,the thought that i was once denied to be a part of that did that.
i straightened my shoulders and stood confidently like a high school girl standing to deliver a speech to the school assembly.
"nobody will want to be another zara in anybody's life, i just lived my life, i just moved on in my every falls, maybe that was the greatest move of my life. you only know about the glamorous life i lived, it’s not my life, but only a glorious part of it which i am proud for. i don't want to live this life which you all wish to live, i don't want anybody to follow my path, for those who don't know. i have travelled the worse, what you see is not always a person's life, there is much and much more to it. i should share this with you that stick on to your love, i have faced miracles in my life because of love, if you have real love of a person, your dreams are your life" i concluded my speech, i glanced at ish, he was staring deeply at me, nothing mattered to him, not even the curious crowd in front of us. he smiled at me, i literally melted at that .that charming smile has always done the job. i wanted to run into his arms and to kiss him at that moment, i wanted him to hide me from this world with his enomerous hug, i wanted to press my face against his tough chest and lay there forever.
we had a party after that, in a auditorium which i believe is newly made after i left there. party was elegant and i met many people, i also met people which i always urged to, my best friend, she hugged me at the first sight and we both didn’t wanted to get out from that warm hug, it bought memories back. i then knew how much i missed her
i met many of my teachers, i was not so close to anybody as i was not a bright student. yeah there was one teacher, he was close enough to share a long hug, he inspired me and he was the only teacher who supported me all along, i felt happy for coming when i saw him and my best friend, if i didn't came, i may never have felt those warm bodies against me ever again in my life.
when i said goodbye i didn't made promises expect to my best friend that i will meet her again, we made arrangements to meet again, to meet her husband and twins, her husband was my ish's close friend, theirs was a hidden love story which at last had a happy ending in all ways, not that i meant i had a bad ending, having ish with me is all i could ever ask for me. i knew that my parents or my brother didn't made a attempt to see me.
when i left the campus it was almost dark outside, i saw my school illuminating in the twilight. i had last sight of it, i thought i would never come back, but i did, so when i leaved i vowed inside that i will again come there and have memories again.
my car was speeding away when i saw a person standing outside the gate staring at me, i knew the next second, that it was my brother, i saw his misty eyes, i wanted to go back but i was already away, i stared at him as much as i could, he disappeared when ish took a bend in the road. i should come back once more to the beautiful village of punjab, i knew when i saw a glimpse of my brother, i have to, i thought and i wiped my tears away, we didn't talked, but so many things were shared without words, that was a great thing about brotherhood, no matter where his sister is he can never forget or avoid her all his life, i knew we will get back along may be some other time.
i sat forward and flipped the pages of magazine and i saw my words in it., they proudly presented in it, i didn't knew what i should feel, happy, proud?
"it was me standing there
leaning against the wall
dreams up high and when
it came to life, i won"

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Being alone and feeling alone is two entierly different things.when we are alone somewhere sometimes we would feel great and we would never be alone,sometimes we would be lost in our good memories and sometimes when we are in a room packed of people,we would feel alone,we won't hear any sounds,we won't catch any eyes and we would never care about the people staring at us.and that's the worst thing happen to me and to everyone's surprise i am always like this
i always love being alone rather than that of feeling alone,when i am alone,almost all the times ,i used to lost in my thoughts and music always made my lonliness sweet,it's great when we are alone if there is something which would help us to cure it.and if i am making it clear,i love being alone.not my entire life,no ways for that,i can't be alone forever,i too love being with my family and friends.but it really depends on how i think about it that time.i don't know how it sounds to others.funny or thinking that i seriously have some problems.
everyone should be tiered of my alone thing.it's like blah blah blah.should talk about something else right and how about travelling.it's a good and interesting thing for me atleast.
it's one of the things i love to do .it's really great to watch different people and to observe different cultures.sometimes it's strange for us to know how much different they are from us.and like many of others i too have dream spots.it's wiered to say that i will travel all over the world.i don't think like that anyway,there is some place where i dream to go,it's not mostly cities but there is some cities like london and rome.i love cold places mainly,that's why i fancy europe and i really like north of india,i will go there one day,i think.when we watch places in films and all and if we really adore it,it will come in our dreams.
anyway we are free to dream right,so i can dream as much as i want.most of the time we wish to make our dreams true,and sometimes we work for it but i am not the hard working one,but i work.my parents can make most of my dreams true,but i don't want that to happen,because my dreams are mine,not any one's else,it doesn't mean that "i want to do it alone,i don't want anyone's help"it's not like that at all.i want everyone to be a part of my life.
i am really thankfull to god for giving me all this,for those loving sacred gods ,for the life he gave me.i too have problems,but when i think about the things he gave me,i forget all my loses,anyway i don't have many to lie on.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

maybe yesterday was a great day but definitely not for me.parks were always my stuff but don't know what was wrong with me yesterday.and yesterday was my night out and i used to enjoy all outings and i am in dubai for god's sake.i loved this place than anything because there was always something special here.this was the one other place where i felt at home.
all the days we would come across lots of strangers here ,all of them having different lifestyles and views and then comes the common thing in towns which i love,no one would ever care what we do,everybody got their own things to care for.that's not good stuff always but sometimes it's the best.
if we are in a shopping mall,it's like we are free to do anything.i am not a shopaholic but shopping is a girl thing and i love it,i spent money on some certain stuffs like dresses.i had no interest in electronics but now i fancy it,definitely it is the influence of my nephew.he's going after everything in the market which caught my interest.i like to watch him checking out his type of stuffs.he is crazy about cars and he is our car encyclopedia.it's like ask him about that car don't spend time googling,even my dad ask about cars to him.
talking of cars,in dubai ,if we are on road we would come across a lot of different cars,expensive and cheap,stylish and needy,small and big,roaring sports and choking trucks.but when we see all those cars together we won't feel much difference.and dubai is a place were all people come together and now when i lie on my bed watching the road, i feel great,i see people with different lifes,doing different things.
and yesterday i felt strangely alone,don't ask me why.i have no answer.i was just so alone,i love to do crazy things,but i am so different now,all my friends would know that,they watched me transform,maybe that is to do with my age,but my heart says that it's not just that.something's really happening to me, i feel like i am cheating myself and on top of all,i care about everybody but me ,maybe that's my big mistake and i don't feel like fixing it ,i am not gonna give a try at lest.
i am not alone ,i can see a lot of sacred souls loving me,caring me,standing beside me and holding my hand and i know that they would never let me go from them.family is a great thing god gave me.because they all were there for me always and i know it's a forever thing.we fight and we love,we cry and we laugh,we share and we smile and we hold our hands always.we all are always so special to our parents no matter how much we had grown we are always their lovely daughters.
and i realised at last that my best friend was not a mistake of my life,what i chose was never wrong,i never deserved more than that,what i got is more than nessecary and i thank almighty for all this special things which he gave me in my life.no one can be perfectely happy,so i am SORT OF HAPPY and i keep telling my mind that i am not ALONE but still i feel it,i don't know who can fix it but i know that right now no soul can fix it ,i really am alone in my own world.
only thing i miss here is my friends..

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Although i call myself as zara zelliene that's not what i am called after by my dad and mom,i am ameena cv,i don't know how it sounds to others but it is sweet for me , at least that's what my parents found for me.then you may wonder why i took the other name for my blog.there is only one reason,zara is the girl in my dreams,she can do whatever she want because she don't really exsist she can dream as much as she want,she is not ameena but a part of ameena,a part i can't live without.she have to live for my survival.
she is not a good writer but there is something in zara,some magic which can make me happy and satisfied.and i thought of a lot of ways to explore zara and at last i found it,this is it,a blog!!!
and now if i am talking about me more i should say that i am so commited to friendship and maybe that's my weak point , i have always wanted a best friend and my life for the past 3 years was all about that.i had options and i chose and i don't know wheather it was the right option.i dreamt and i excpected .i cared about all those who were related to me and most of the times i considered about my friends rather than of me.
and surprisingly i have no regrets because i cared about someone.and above all that i see my parents as the first thing in my life and i can't even imagine a life without them.i loved to fight with my mom because i believe fights are a part of love.we dont't fight with strangers ,do we? we will fight with only those we care and love.i am living my life in the way my parents lead it,one of my friends told me that we should live as we like,i don't deny him but i can't accept it.as i am a girl who lives as my parents ask me to,i should say that we should consider our parents as the first thing in our life.
different people have different views about life and here it's all about me and how i see my life and i would love to share about  my little but sweet life with you,it may not seem interested but still it's life and it's all about me.it's all about a girl who saw dreams by knowing that it was beyond her eyes,but she always opened her heart in a hope that more love could find it and fill it.